Depression hit me pretty fast although I didn't recognize it. Its the deepest, darkest sadness I have ever experienced which is why, I didn't recognize it. I've walked with the Lord a long time, I 've sat under tons of solid teaching and my head knows that my Creator loves me, heals me and cares for me. Depression is an emotion that begins in the heart. It put a wall between me and the Lord but I didn't see it. Even though I was still in the Word and in the body of Christ at New Covenant Church I was allowing a distance to come in between me and the Lord. He was never distant from me, I became distant from Him. I stopped praying for my health to change, I stopped praying about most things.
One day I became sick of myself. Sick of hearing myself tell and retell the details of my illness. I was sick of bed rest, sick of missing out, sick of the whole world having to revolve around me because I'm sick. I was tired of watching my kids look at me with disappointment. Children want their mommy to be vibrant, excited and full of energy to cuddle them and love them. My poor kids had to watch their mom struggle with pain, be grumpy, miss out on a mothers energy to pick them up and play with them. They had to tiptoe around me and wonder if their mom would ever get better or would she just die one day.
My poor mother, even today, she fears her one and only will die and leave 4 precious little ones without a mom. My mom has a heart of gold and no human loves me more than she does. She doesn't have the Lord in her life to guide and comfort her so her fear is great. I became sick of what my sickness was doing to her.
Eric, my wonderful, loving husband of 14 years. He sure had it rough. For some of this illness I was somewhat of an invalid, having to rely on him to walk, shower, get to the bathroom, get in/out of bed, give me my shots, do the evening shift with the kids once he got home from work and still go to work every day and work 10 hours while there! No date nights for a while, no break, no time off. I became another full time job for him. On top of it all he had to watch me sink into depression amongst other pits!
As I grew sicker and sicker of myself and this venous disease I reached a breaking point. I stopped caring about anything, I didn't want to be a burden on anyone any longer. I got to the point of just waiting to die. We serve a faithful God who just loved me despite myself. He kept pricking my heart to read His word and seek Him and with an attitude I finally did. I cried out to Him and said, "What is it Lord, what is wrong with me? Why cant I get over this?" The Lord spoke to my heart and revealed that my clotted up leg was like a clogged drain. The clot in my leg was a reflection of the condition of my heart! There it was, as I looked at my swelled up, purple leg I saw a reflection of a clogged up heart discolored from the lack of light getting in. There were many things clogging it up and preventing me from flourishing in all that God had for me. The light had just pierced what was clogging my heart. He revealed that I was suffering with not just depression but unbelief, a shallow faith and fear. You see, these things had been building the sicker I got. The Lord was calling me to a deeper walk with Him, and if I am to pursue the calls He has for me, I had better get down to doing business in my heart! So, I began a journey for understanding and help through studying God's Word and seeking prayer.
When a pipe is clogged, what happens? When you get enough force behind it the clog pops out and the flood gates open! Amen! This is when I finally pulled myself up off the floor and began to fight and resist the enemy so he would have to flee and I could get on with it!
Tomorrow I hope to get into that search and take you to some of the places He took me on that search. Thanks for your time, may you be blessed!
One day I became sick of myself. Sick of hearing myself tell and retell the details of my illness. I was sick of bed rest, sick of missing out, sick of the whole world having to revolve around me because I'm sick. I was tired of watching my kids look at me with disappointment. Children want their mommy to be vibrant, excited and full of energy to cuddle them and love them. My poor kids had to watch their mom struggle with pain, be grumpy, miss out on a mothers energy to pick them up and play with them. They had to tiptoe around me and wonder if their mom would ever get better or would she just die one day.
My poor mother, even today, she fears her one and only will die and leave 4 precious little ones without a mom. My mom has a heart of gold and no human loves me more than she does. She doesn't have the Lord in her life to guide and comfort her so her fear is great. I became sick of what my sickness was doing to her.
Eric, my wonderful, loving husband of 14 years. He sure had it rough. For some of this illness I was somewhat of an invalid, having to rely on him to walk, shower, get to the bathroom, get in/out of bed, give me my shots, do the evening shift with the kids once he got home from work and still go to work every day and work 10 hours while there! No date nights for a while, no break, no time off. I became another full time job for him. On top of it all he had to watch me sink into depression amongst other pits!
As I grew sicker and sicker of myself and this venous disease I reached a breaking point. I stopped caring about anything, I didn't want to be a burden on anyone any longer. I got to the point of just waiting to die. We serve a faithful God who just loved me despite myself. He kept pricking my heart to read His word and seek Him and with an attitude I finally did. I cried out to Him and said, "What is it Lord, what is wrong with me? Why cant I get over this?" The Lord spoke to my heart and revealed that my clotted up leg was like a clogged drain. The clot in my leg was a reflection of the condition of my heart! There it was, as I looked at my swelled up, purple leg I saw a reflection of a clogged up heart discolored from the lack of light getting in. There were many things clogging it up and preventing me from flourishing in all that God had for me. The light had just pierced what was clogging my heart. He revealed that I was suffering with not just depression but unbelief, a shallow faith and fear. You see, these things had been building the sicker I got. The Lord was calling me to a deeper walk with Him, and if I am to pursue the calls He has for me, I had better get down to doing business in my heart! So, I began a journey for understanding and help through studying God's Word and seeking prayer.
When a pipe is clogged, what happens? When you get enough force behind it the clog pops out and the flood gates open! Amen! This is when I finally pulled myself up off the floor and began to fight and resist the enemy so he would have to flee and I could get on with it!
Tomorrow I hope to get into that search and take you to some of the places He took me on that search. Thanks for your time, may you be blessed!
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